Smoke and Mirrors

As I sit here I have tears streaming down my face. I have had a really difficult week. The only word I can really is sad, I am just sad. A situation has risen and I just break out into tears at silly little things. Actually the tears start flowing and I don't realize they are falling.
I have come to the conclusion that even though I despise my current weight and actually visualize myself thin. I use it as my crutch. It is almost like a bargaining chip. If this happens then I will get back on the weight loss wagon. Well after this week and seeing what I saw today my heart breaks and with it the wall comes crumbling down. I try to be strong and brave and show everyone I can do it all. Carry it all. I am always strong for everyone, there for everyone, gave it all for everyone and then theres nothing else for me and everyone always seems to take but when I need I am alone and that is when I turn to food.
This week, despite wishing I could make it all go away, I have realized with these tears I have finally chosen the path in which I will continue down. So far I have taken the road that has taken in me in a full circle, back to the beginning. I have had good intentions, but always found myself afraid of what was at the end of my journey. I have this fantasy of what it will be, what I will look like but have realizes what if I get there and its not what I hoped for. The control I have is security, the food is not. This week I had no control of the events that unfolded. This evening I have completely given all my control to God. It will not be easy, I will struggle, tears will fall. I know I will not completely understand the obstacles in my path. BUT, I do know what kind of woman the He wants me to be. I need to shed the physical weight but just as much need to shed the internal weight.
This blog is to track my journey. It is more for me, so I can look back and see where I was, who I was, and where I am being taken.
I am by far not a writer and most of the time I just ramble. I am going to learn how to visually make my blog nicer by adding pictures and such. As I transform my blog I will also be transforming myself.
... Well, all my tears have actually dried up and I am feeling a little better. As my favorite heroine has said " tomorrow is another day"

I LOVE YOU LORD,AND I LIFT MY VOICE

TO WORSHIP YOU OH MY SOUL REJOICE

TAKE JOY MY KING,IN WHAT YOU HEAR

MAY IT BE A SWEET, SWEET SOUND IN YOUR EAR.

PRAISE GOD FORM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!!!

I will find the blessings in all of this...I hope!