I was tagged!
What were you doing?
20 years ago November 8, 1988: I had just turned 19 and was in college. Some fun and crazy times.
15 years ago November 8, 1993: I had just turned 24 and had been married for 5 months.
10 years ago November 8, 1998: I had just turned 29 and was a mama to a 2 and 3 year old. oh, how fast they grow.
5 years ago November 8, 2003: I had just turned 34 and my fourth and final baby was 2 months old.
Yesterday November 7, 2007: I had just celebrated my 39th birthday! I was going on zero sleep because my 5 year old is very ill. I waited for the t.v repair man who came and fixed my t.v. we had our monthly family movie night which I proceeded to fall asleep :)
I am blessed to have a wonderful family, and a good life. Thank you Jesus for all of my Blessings that you have bestowed upon me :)
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Smoke and Mirrors
As I sit here I have tears streaming down my face. I have had a really difficult week. The only word I can really is sad, I am just sad. A situation has risen and I just break out into tears at silly little things. Actually the tears start flowing and I don't realize they are falling.
I have come to the conclusion that even though I despise my current weight and actually visualize myself thin. I use it as my crutch. It is almost like a bargaining chip. If this happens then I will get back on the weight loss wagon. Well after this week and seeing what I saw today my heart breaks and with it the wall comes crumbling down. I try to be strong and brave and show everyone I can do it all. Carry it all. I am always strong for everyone, there for everyone, gave it all for everyone and then theres nothing else for me and everyone always seems to take but when I need I am alone and that is when I turn to food.
This week, despite wishing I could make it all go away, I have realized with these tears I have finally chosen the path in which I will continue down. So far I have taken the road that has taken in me in a full circle, back to the beginning. I have had good intentions, but always found myself afraid of what was at the end of my journey. I have this fantasy of what it will be, what I will look like but have realizes what if I get there and its not what I hoped for. The control I have is security, the food is not. This week I had no control of the events that unfolded. This evening I have completely given all my control to God. It will not be easy, I will struggle, tears will fall. I know I will not completely understand the obstacles in my path. BUT, I do know what kind of woman the He wants me to be. I need to shed the physical weight but just as much need to shed the internal weight.
This blog is to track my journey. It is more for me, so I can look back and see where I was, who I was, and where I am being taken.
I am by far not a writer and most of the time I just ramble. I am going to learn how to visually make my blog nicer by adding pictures and such. As I transform my blog I will also be transforming myself.
... Well, all my tears have actually dried up and I am feeling a little better. As my favorite heroine has said " tomorrow is another day"
I have come to the conclusion that even though I despise my current weight and actually visualize myself thin. I use it as my crutch. It is almost like a bargaining chip. If this happens then I will get back on the weight loss wagon. Well after this week and seeing what I saw today my heart breaks and with it the wall comes crumbling down. I try to be strong and brave and show everyone I can do it all. Carry it all. I am always strong for everyone, there for everyone, gave it all for everyone and then theres nothing else for me and everyone always seems to take but when I need I am alone and that is when I turn to food.
This week, despite wishing I could make it all go away, I have realized with these tears I have finally chosen the path in which I will continue down. So far I have taken the road that has taken in me in a full circle, back to the beginning. I have had good intentions, but always found myself afraid of what was at the end of my journey. I have this fantasy of what it will be, what I will look like but have realizes what if I get there and its not what I hoped for. The control I have is security, the food is not. This week I had no control of the events that unfolded. This evening I have completely given all my control to God. It will not be easy, I will struggle, tears will fall. I know I will not completely understand the obstacles in my path. BUT, I do know what kind of woman the He wants me to be. I need to shed the physical weight but just as much need to shed the internal weight.
This blog is to track my journey. It is more for me, so I can look back and see where I was, who I was, and where I am being taken.
I am by far not a writer and most of the time I just ramble. I am going to learn how to visually make my blog nicer by adding pictures and such. As I transform my blog I will also be transforming myself.
... Well, all my tears have actually dried up and I am feeling a little better. As my favorite heroine has said " tomorrow is another day"
I LOVE YOU LORD,AND I LIFT MY VOICE
TO WORSHIP YOU OH MY SOUL REJOICE
TAKE JOY MY KING,IN WHAT YOU HEAR
MAY IT BE A SWEET, SWEET SOUND IN YOUR EAR.
PRAISE GOD FORM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!!!
I will find the blessings in all of this...I hope!
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